The week of crashing

So this week it all cam crashing down on me. I know it sounds weird, because nothing really came crashing down. But what it really felt like was the top of my skull crashed into the soles of my feet and everything in-between became squished.

First, I think I realized that I have no clue why I am really at the academy. My QRE ideas have all fallen flat, and I am not sure what type of job I want to even try to get when I need to be applying in a few months. I think maybe I came here so that my better half could consider her really cool question, so I needed to be here too.

Second, I realized a lot of what I have tried to do here at the academy has failed as well. The internet still sucks, trying to re-arrange the schedule nearly caused a riot, and the refrigerators continue to remain a mess. The matins I had so much fun planning for a few days flops the day I try to put the most work into it. My grand goals for accomplishment here are further from my reach than they have been so far.

Third, I came crashing down on myself. I've always wondered if I am bi-polar. Does anyone else think this? I mean some weeks you are incredibly productive and then all of sudden it just comes crashing down. Those productive things collapse, the things you did for fun loose their luster, and all you really want to do is crawl away and sleep by yourself. Then in midst of the that you become more of a jerk than ever because people just bother you. I'm guessing this is just me.

Fourth, in the midst of this, I am critiqued, maybe not so publicly or openly, but quietly and subtly nonetheless. The new shininess we had is gone, and we are beginning to see the other for the person they really are, and that rarely lives up to the imagination. "Impression management" is over and it turns out none of us is really cool.

Doom and gloom at every corner. However each of these has another view.

1) Not knowing what I want to do my QRE on is better than working on something I don't care about. (This may be just for me, but if I don't care, I don't do very good or original work.)
2) In the midst of my failure I learn perseverance. I think I also learn that I need to carefully consider what I put my effort into. I also am forced to put my value not in what I do but in my relationship to God.
3) In my weakness, I find God as my strength. I find myself praying more when I feel bad than at any other time, and my theology and practical theology becomes stronger because I need it to make it through each day.
4) Making friends with cool people is impossible. You have to make yourself look cool to be their peers, but then you don't act like yourself and then you aren't friends because they don't really know you. The good news is that you can really be friends with un-cool people. So now that we know how un-cool we all are, maybe we can forgive, love, rebuke, and help one another grow into better people. Who knows, we may learn to re-define cool.

So that is my week. Aimlessness, failure, borderline depression, and acute awareness of the brokenness of relationship. But I know God is good, so I need not fear.